21/12/09

I always believe/accept other people words without much thinking...Maybe is because I believe they never have such time to tell a lies...But in reality, it doesn't...Some of them are lies, some of them aren't...

How to differentiate them actually? I found it quite hard...Maybe coz I am stupid...Or I too believe on other people...

Sad isn't it? I'm human, they are human, we are suppose to be the same...Yet we hurt each other...No matter by words and weapons...Words can be as deadly as weapons too...

I seriously don't understand...One second you can say this and this and this, another second u can change that statement into that and that and that...Which one I should believe?

No wonder some people won't even believe other people...

If that's the case, I rather deal with animals...Coz they won't lie as seriously as humans...

07/12/09

The more I lived, the more hopeless I am...

They already forgive me...But I haven't...

My heart still pain so much when I think about them...My eyes will full of tears and if not careful, I will cry again...

One of the previous girl that I liked is getting married...She asked me:"How about you?"

Another question that I seriously hate to answer...

I hope that one day I can answer this question proudly:"I'm still Single"

I seriously envy other people...Their result damn good, with damn good skill also...Many friends...Happy always...While me, result bad, skill sucks, social life sucks...

Sometimes if happiness don't belong to you, no matter how hard you try, it just won't follow you...

You can change your fate? Bullshit!

No one can change his/her own destiny, if he/she can, it is just because his/her destiny destined he/she can.

2010 coming, I wonder whether I can survive for another year or not...

Heartless

No matter how I want to run away...
No matter how many I tried to do...

I finally understand that...

If your fate is destined to be in the darkness, then you can't change it...It is just like that...

Every person personality is difference...But the majority of them should have some in common...That's what that build the society and group of friends.

So if unfortunately your personality is totally different at all with them, then you can't and won't find a way to go into the group and society...You're just alone...In your own world...Where not even suppose to exist...

I just realize that a promise can be broken so easily and this kind of thing is just so normal...I even have done it many times but I just didn't realize it...No wonder she say I'm stupid...

Many people will just say I'm too counting on tiny little thing...And for most of the people like this, they'll just hated by most people...

I wonder why I'm this kind of people and not the majority type that is good?

Maybe is because I'm so unlucky to be the one that disliked by most person...

I don't have a choice now...

I bear the name of a Nobody for so long and yet...What I'm doing now is not what a Nobody should do...

A Nobody should feel nothing, have no emotion at all as they don't have a heart...They only react based on their past memories...Which they will look like they have emotions is just because to fool others and also themselves...

Nobody will care on what I feel...Isn't it?

This is the only way for unlucky me...To go on till the day God willing to end my pity life...

From now on, I will bear the name Xonos correctly! I won't bear any emotions anymore! Such emotions like Sorrow, Angry, Jealous, Sad and other I won't have anymore! I will become a true Nobody!

Till the day I died...Or if God pity me, give me Light...

Langit Tak Mendengar...

Jalan hidup telah memilih
menurunkan aku ke bumi
Hari berganti dan berganti
aku diam tak memahami

Mengapa hidup begitu sepi
apakah hidup spt ini
Mengapa ku selalu sendiri
apakah hidupku tak berarti

Coba bertanya pada manusia
tak ada jawabnya
Aku bertanya pada langit pula

Langit tak mendengar

21/05/09

Well...Currently in exam week...Just after Maths II and Data "Stuck"...Well...With my normal over pessimistic mind I would like to say: "Ohh...I'm gonna die this time..."

Sometimes is good to be pessimistic, as the more u hope, the more pain u'll receive if that thing u hope not happen...So I always pessimistic...But it seems that that kind of mind also keep ppl away...

Sometimes I also think why I so dark...But luckily no matter how many times I said I want to jump la, die la, hung la I still appear everyday in my classroom...Meet friends...Hallo...Haha...Hehe...Walau...Etc...

Just read back my posts in my blog...Sometimes is quite odd to see what u wrote before...Well...From there I know that I not follow what I wrote before in my blog such as being a Heartless, distance myself, won't tackle girls anymore etc. Hmm...Quite useless isn't it? Even things that I promise to myself can't even fulfill it...

Maybe heart is not controlled by me de ba? Or just maybe I'm too weak...To even control my heart...

Few days ago, just call my friend to talk...Well originally is want to talk about all my sad feelings de...But when she answer the call, suddenly a thinking come to me saying that, well, talk to her is useless anyway...So end up not talking much at all...

Now...I think I don wan talk those things to my friends le...But knowing myself so much, I'm sure I'll just talk talk talk again and annoy other ppl again...Just like those early sem friends that already so annoy of me and...Kind of leave me...Already...

Feel so lonely...I scare to talk all these thingy to any of my friends now...But...Endure them all is so...Haiz...But now even her I also dun wan to talk liao...

I think my heart is closing now...Suddenly feel like don wan to meet all my old friends...Scare...Is best to leave them...Unchanged...I scare every meeting will change something...When I see them all so happiness, suddenly I feel is best to avoid them now...My existance just make the photo not beautiful...With my ugly face...

(Yet my closing heart didn't close my feelings of love...I hope it would...)

Here I am again...Thinking negatif again...I don know how only I can change my thinking...I know this is totally not good...Once too over...Well...U all will see me at tomorrow newspaper state that what is the cause of my death...Yet...I can't find any way to change that...

Haiz...Listening to my favourite song - Mimpi Yang Sempurna...I love sang that song when I'm alone in the night...That song really suits my mood so much till I can listen so many times without problem of boringness...But the prob the more I heard the more tendency I'll cry...Haha...

I...Seriously...Don know...What is the purpose God created me at the first place...Other than to torture me in this world...

I think I'll just post all my feelings in my blog...rather than friends...Is ok anyway ppl boring with my darkness blog and no ppl will come anymore to read it...Atleast blog won't boring with me...Not like people...They will...Even friends will...And leave u in the end...

P/S : She is not alone...But I am...

SIlenced...

I always betray what I have said before...Maybe that is the cause my pain getting more and more and more...And making everyone unhappy...

Distance myself...Silence my mouth...Live as lone self...

I think this way will make my life more suffer...Yet will make other happier...Those ppl already tired of me...Don want to see me already...Yet I keep be with them...Sorry...

No more words...As no more ears willing to listen...As I never understand ppl...They also won't understand me either...

Maybe even I die they also won't understand...Who would understand a trash feelings anyway isn't it? Who would bother to understand isn't it? Who would accompany a trash isn't it?

SHHHHHHHHHH! Yes! I should silence! If not I'll just make more ppl unhappy...Sorry! Sorry!

No more words...No more dreams...No more happiness...What left of me...What left of me...Now?

茫然...

我的室友们...现在已经兴高采烈的谈着他们要为他们的新房间弄些什么了...可是我呢？却可能没地方住...现在的房间其实应该不难找，可是问题在于租金实在是贵到我简直租不下手...他们的租金却便宜到可以考虑增加他们家的Internet Bandwidth！

我承认我是觉得很不爽！哪里不是？全部都有的住了剩下我一个在这边愁！尤其是当他们说的兴高彩烈是我的心简直就是难过到死！老实说如果连Hostel Appeal都失败的话，那我考虑停学一个学期好了！等我找到住的地方了才继续修读...说是说的好听我只是住Ampang，如果跑高速大道大概半小时就到MMU了...问题就是我没有自己的交通工具！如果每天用公共交通的话，我每一天平均要浪费六个小时来回！听着！是六个小时！六个小时可以做很多很多东西了！我家庭又不是很有钱！我爸妈赚到的只够我家每个月费用而已！而且幸亏的是我拿奖学金，要不然我爸妈根本没能力让我再读下去，只能到SPM吧了...现在我也尽量不在拿我爸妈的钱了，完全是用奖学金那边的吧了...看到他们这样辛苦赚钱我不想再增加他们的负担了！

为什么天总是这样的？还嫌我命运不够背是不是？昨天明明有希望了，房租也蛮便宜的，却偏偏最后一刻房主说已经有人订了...真好啊！天！这就是你给我的生日礼物吗？真是好啊！

现在我不知该怎么办了...别人有能力并不代表我有！我能在MMU读书已经是极限了！

最近学业又这么差，真的是茫然了...或许我应该做工而不是读书的，又或许我连做工也不行，只是社会的其中一个垃圾！

P/S : 谢谢你们所有人的Wishes， 但是我开心不起来...因为时间决定不再重复自己，而是变得更糟糕...